Talk Hard!

 Planned Parenthood is currently running a campaign encouraging people to get yourself tested for STDs (GYT09).  They put together a video with a few different people talking about the experience of getting tested for the first time and why it’s important.

I think it’s very important to get tested, but I also think the third speaker on this video implies a belief about things that I want to counter.  She speaks of testing as something that lets you know if you’re in the clear or not, and then, as you get into a relationship, if you need to have a conversation, she says, you can have it.

What I want to say is that whether or not you have tested ‘clean’ for STDs, you always need to have a conversation about them with a prospective new partner.  Partly because not everyone knows all that they should know about STDs, and how they are transmitted, what the risks are, and what STDs can and cannot be tested for. Also, different people have different levels of risk acceptance, so behavior you think is risky your prospective partner may think is safe, and if she thinks it was safe, she might not tell you about it.  Is contact between the hands and the genitals safe for instance? Well, hands can have cuts on them and you can catch diseases that way though the odds are low: to be on the safe side, some people use gloves or condoms. Other people just accept that risk, because they’re okay with it.  How about kissing?  Well, a lot of people don’t know cold sores are caused by a strain of herpes so they might not watch out for that risk. Going down on someone?  A lot of people will have oral sex with no protection and think little of it, despite the fact that that is actually risky behavior.

I once started to get involved with a guy, and when he came to my bedroom for the first time he thought he knew what-all we could do that was safe. When I said we had to have a conversation he told me what he knew and how he was clean, and he was ready to go. I had to say “hold up, we need to talk.  I have herpes.” And then I told him all about herpes, because he didn’t know very much about it, like how you can have it without symptoms, and transmit it from mouth to genitals or mouth to mouth, and then we slowed way down.

Herpes is something you can get tested for these days, but the tests are not completely reliable.  Plus most standard test suites do not include a test for herpes. Other tests are more reliable, and very important, but a number of STDs take time to show up in the body, so if you’ve gotten tested but had sexual contact with someone new shortly before getting tested, they could have given you something that doesn’t show up on the tests.

So: Get yourself tested, definitely! To be rigorous about it, wait until you have gone 6 months without contact with a new disease vector - meaning you’ve been without a partner or you and your partner have not had any other new partners for 6 months. Then get tested. (If this really doesn’t fit your lifestyle don’t let that stop you though - do get tested! - just understand that while a positive result is a concern, a negative result may not guarantee a clean bill of health.)

Continue to get tested throughout your life, before and after sexual contact with new partners. Also, educate yourself about STDs, spend some time thinking about your own comfort levels with risk, and talk about it with every partner you have.  For their safety, and for yours.  Talk hard.

It’s spring, and love is in the air. Everything is warmer, the grass is green again, and it may start to be tempting to follow ancient fertility rites and lay down together in the fields. Well watch out, they’re still very muddy.

While sex outside can sound romantic, in practical application it can be fraught with bugs (evening, despite a nice sunset, is not the best time to have lots of skin exposed if mosquitoes are on the loose) and the potential for being interrupted. While the risk of being discovered may increase the excitement for some, it can really be very upsetting to all parties involved, so to be fair to both yourself and other people you should take great pains to avoid it. In order to avoid both bugs and people I personally recommend the very early hours of the morning (in other words the middle of the night) on a weeknight, and a nice secluded spot in the woods, on a river bed, or on a golf course, if you aren’t in a rural area that provides a nice overgrown farmer’s field. (If you *do* have a nice overgrown farmer’s field to play with, you might have the right conditions to try it during the middle of the day. I’ve done that. Sun on skin is a nice contribution to the warm glow of sex. But sex outside during the day is extra risky.) Test the ground with your hand before you sit or lie down to see if it’s dry—put weight on it to see if cold water will seep through if you sit or lie down there, or if you’re safely above the water line.

Now, if you live in a place that has a curfew for young folks, sneaking out at night could have worse repercussions than simple embarrassment if you’re caught, so think carefully and know your local laws before you decide to do that. You also want to be safe, so avoid going someplace like the national forests north of LA, which are reputed to be full of bear traps set by pot-growers trying to protect their illegal crops. That last could be a myth, but the best way to make sure your spot is safe is to plan ahead and visit it during the day, then go there at your chosen time and see what it’s like then.

Things to bring with you: a blanket, a flashlight, a bottle of water, condoms, lube, some toilet paper, and a plastic bag in which to carry away trash. The blanket is for the comfort of backs and knees. The outdoors can be very hard and bumpy. In a pinch a large coat also does pretty well, if you spread it out. The bottle of water is for drinking and possibly also for washing off hands and things, after. Toilet paper is also for cleaning yourself off. And for its usual purposes. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s healthier for women to pee within a short time after sex to avoid inflammation and infection in the urethra from fluids that might be pushed into there by the motions of sexual activity. Don’t let being out in the woods stop you (parks may have outhouses or restrooms, which is nice, but they are only open certain hours after which it’s trespassing to be there, so keep that in mind, and some parks lock their restrooms after hours). In any case, if you’re going to be out in the middle of nowhere, why not be prepared?

I really want to emphasize the importance of taking a trash bag with you. Don’t toss a used condom under a bush or something like that. It’s a health hazard, and it’s just plain gross. How would you like to be out in a park and have your dog trot up to you with a used condom in his mouth? Ew! (I’ve also heard of a dog leading its owner into a secluded corner of a park where a couple were trying out sex outside during the day. The dog was just curious but all the humans were quite embarrassed.) The flashlight is for finding things you may have lost, like that condom wrapper, or your date’s earing, or the way to get back to the car.

Any sex outside that isn’t in a completely private spot on your own property is potentially a way to get yourself charged with trespassing, indecent exposure, or creating a disturbance, so, um, I would tell you not to do it, but if you’re curious I doubt you will listen to that, so I’m giving you this advice too. (This is a general theme of this blog: you’re going to make your own choices. I’m here to try to help you make them safely and smartly.)

If you don’t want quite so many risks but would like to see what sex is like with an open breeze across you and the stars above, get a tent with a skylight and go camping. The tent will keep the bugs out and campgrounds come with restrooms open 24 hours a day. A nice tarp under the tent will keep you high and dry. The list of other things to take with you is the same. Just try to keep the noise down, will you? People around you will be trying to sleep. Or enjoying their own sex in the outdoors.