Talk Hard!

By Ed

Probably one of the most challenging times in a student’s life is high school, that transitional time where everyone argues that each choice you make will directly impact whether you get to go to a top-notch college or end up living in a dumpster.  Beyond the academic pressures of completing a public education, high school students planning to enter college have to take a bevy of extra tests, enroll in extra-curricular activities, and hold down external employment.  All in an effort to try to have the best possible image of yourself to put on college applications. But at the same time every high school student I’ve talked to is also trying to figure out what they want to do when they get into college.  Having been through the process, and having worked for a major university now for over eight years, I have a few tips to make the process a little less madhouse.

First, prior to your senior year in high school, probably the middle of your junior year, you should do a little looking online and read up on a handful of colleges you might like to attend.  Emphasis on schools you would like to attend; ignore advice from “helpful” people on this subject and ignore those magazine rankings.  Read up on the schools’ programs, look at pictures of each campus, see if any of them look and sound interesting.  In particular look at the sections on campus life, student activities, and the surrounding community.  You will be spending around ten to sixteen hours in classrooms per week, true, but you’ll be spending around sixty to eighty hours a week doing other things outside of class.  Read up on those too.

Second, if you find a few schools you really like, read up on a few broad majors that might catch your eye.  Ignore suggestions or demands you focus on “valuable” majors, whatever field of study you enter into is one you will have to enjoy doing for four years.  You might change majors, you might find you aren’t enjoying the field you started in, heck you might even not be that good at it.  I started in computer science and ended up in history, both because I loved history and because I was awful with computer programming.  But read up on a few fields that interest you and then email whomever the webpage lists as the “undergraduate advisor” or, lacking that, the director of the department.  Explain your interest in the program, that you are looking around, and ask what sorts of activities and classes the department looks for in potential students.  You will probably get a boilerplate answer but within that boilerplate might be some clues to things that will help you stand out a bit as an applicant.

Third, and finally, when it comes time to apply for college, spend a bit of time thinking about the essay you are going to write.  It does not need to be brilliant but it should speak to whatever passion made you want to go to that university.  Believe me, when reading those essays the admissions officer will be impressed with fine grammar, but even more impressed with an essay that actually sounds enthusiastic instead of blandly interested.  In any case though, good luck and don’t fret; most people who try to find a spot in college can make it in somewhere and the name on the diploma is not the key to success many people make it out to be.

by Ed

{This week has involved a series of topics that came up when I asked people what advice they’d been given that turned out to be completely wrong. One person responded with “The skimpier the outfit, the sexier.” Ed had already written a post on that topic, so here it is!}

I’m an old fogey at heart, well at heart and in age as well, and it amazes me to see the extent to which people are willing to go today to advertise that they are sexy. Both men and women, everything from skirts too tight to move in to shirts that show off the man fuzz, people are always trying to advertise their sexual potency. On the one hand it makes perfect sense, we are all trying to land a partner and it feels good to walk around and think “Damn I’m sexy” but there is a fine line between “Damn I’m sexy” and “Hot damn I’m desperate.” Crossing that line is sadly far too easy, especially today with the growing emphasis on sexual displays in dress and attitude at younger ages.

Don’t get me wrong, back when I was in high school girls wore tight fitting clothes to catch guys’ eyes. Well, other guys’ eyes; I was a mega-geek so I just got to look and drool, but my point remains valid. Even back in the prehistoric early 1990s people dressed to attract the other sex, and even back then dress could easily send the wrong message. Part of what makes for a really sexy presentation is the hint of sexuality, the underlying promise of sexuality, without actually showing off all the goods at once. Letting other people know you are attractive with clothes that fit your body well and show it in a good light: excellent plan of attack. Wearing clothes that if they slipped a quarter of an inch would land you in jail for indecency, well that just makes you seem desperate.

Try this out sometime: get a DVD of an old black and white film, preferably something with Humphrey Bogart in it, just pop it in and watch. Bogart has the distinction of being probably one of the sexiest men in history when he wanted to be and he did so in a subtle manner; his eyes conveyed passion and raw sensuality without being over the top. That is the kind of smoky, mysterious sexual power you should aim for when attempting to attract someone; the sensual, the offer of possibilities, not the all-you-can-eat-buffet in advance. One of the dying arts today is real flirting. Real flirting is a way of making someone else feel attractive without pressuring them into feeling they have to repay the debt in kind; real flirting is the art of saying “You’re yummy” without a chaser of “Can I hump your thigh?”

Always remember you are someone and, because of that, you have value. Buy clothing that compliments your body, no matter what shape it is in; being sexy starts with looking as good as you are, not as you wish to be. Carry yourself knowing that you are sexy, catch someone’s eye and give a small smile. Show off your awesome sexy side without over selling it. If they are really interested they will come over and try to catch your interest. If not, at least you get a moment of knowing that you caught their attention. If you do it right, you’ll leave a smoking impression no matter where you go, no matter what the time.

By Ed

{This week the round of guest posters returns to Ed! I have posted before about how sex can change the dynamics of a romantic relationship. Here Ed talks about how it can affect a friendship.} 

People like being around other people and most people at some point in their life get either lonely or just itchy for physical contact with another person; from what I’ve read it’s kind of hard-wired into our brains.  During times like this, especially if you’re single, a good friend of the opposite gender can start looking very tempting as a potential lover.  You already know the person, they’ve seen you vulnerable and strong, at your best and worst, you might have known them for years and have a good handle on their personality.  Besides if said friend has been a friend for years they might have slowly gone from just “person of the opposite gender who is a friend” to “hottie who is a friend.”  I’m not going to say that such a hook-up is impossible or even wrong. Many people go down the “friends with benefits” route and have a decent-to-good time; but you need to be cautious when starting down this road and honest in what you want.

The trick is that a friendship prior to sex and a friendship after sex are going to be different creatures no matter how you plan things in advance.  Psychologically the role that your friend plays in your life will change if you get intimate with them; it becomes part of the friendship and will stay with you in that friendship for life.  Even more than when dating someone new you should take a moment and talk with your friend in advance, figure out their feelings on the matter and your feelings, and ask yourself some basic questions.  Are you ready for the possibility you might want a romantic relationship post sex with your friend and they might not, or vice-versa.  What happens if you and your friend start having regular sex and one of you then starts a new relationship, will your changed friendship still work with sex added and then removed?  Just some thoughts you should consider before putting sex into the mix of friendship.

Sex with a friend, for the richer friendship or the physical contact, can be pleasant and should not be dismissed just because it’s unconventional.  But like any new relationship take it easy, talk first, and remember things change when sex enters the equation, no matter how much you might think it won’t.

by Ed

{For a lighter note in this week’s theme of not letting someone pressure you into sex, here’s Ed talking about something he has a much better perspective on than I do.}

It’s a classic line but one many people of all ages still hear: “If we stop now I’ll have blue balls and it will hurt.” First off let me say, for the record, I have personally had blue balls. Most guys at some point in life are going to deal with this condition, and it’s not the end of the world. “Blue balls” is caused by a combination of over-sensitivity in a male’s genitals coupled with increased blood flow into the region: the two factors combined can lead to a man’s feeling a dull ache in his privates. The problem is that many guys feel that the only solution to this problem, or the best solution, is to ejaculate. This is an accurate assessment of the situation. However, the optimal solution for the guy (ejaculating) does not translate into their partner’s having to help them achieve that solution.

Having had blue balls myself on more the one occasion let me tell you from personal experience, masturbating takes care of the problem quite neatly. If you are being intimate with a fellow and you decide to stop, and he responds with a whiney complaint about blue balls and being in pain, don’t let that factor into your choice to continue. If you want to have further sexual play with the fellow complaining of aches in his loins, do so, but his complaining should not factor into that decision. If you don’t want to continue to play around with the complaining fellow, send him on his way with the suggestion that he masturbate when he feels comfortable. For the truly whining fellow pop an ice pack onto his painful member; ice constricts blood flow into the genitals and numbs the tissue. Trust me: an ice pack on an engorged set of male genitals halts most blue balls problems.

But on a broader note any partner who would use complaints of physical pain to push for further sexual contact is a partner you might want to be cautious about anyways. A good partner respects your decisions about intimacy and does not try to weasel more sex out of someone they care about, even if they are hot to trot at that moment. Asking and teasing are part of the fun in any good relationship but weaseling and using guilt to get sex really should not be. If you are with someone and they keep using blue balls as an excuse to try to get you to do more then you are comfortable with, you might want to re-evaluate them as a partner.

That or stock up on a really big pile of ice packs.

Today is Talk Hard!’s first guest blogger day! Meet Ed. Ed’s got lots to say about many topics, just like I do, so we’ll hopefully have posts from him on a regular basis. So without further ado, here is post #1.

by Ed

Sex can be one of the most wonderful experiences you can share with another human being but it can also be one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments as well. The most critical step to having enjoyable sex with a new partner is to take some time and have an honest conversation with them first, an honest sex conversation. Which reminds me of one of my key little rules in life: if you do not feel comfortable enough to talk about sex with your partner-to-be, you might want to rethink having sex with them. This person is about to know you pretty much as intimately as another person can—if you can’t say “penis” or “vagina” to them with a straight face how will you ever explain your secret fantasy of sex on a beach while dressed as Spiderman?

Not that I have that fantasy or a Spiderman costume in my closet waiting for the right woman, I’m just using an example. Stop laughing, it’s normal!

Which brings me to my second reason for having an honest sex conversation. A lot of people, when they have sex with a new partner, “settle”: they try to have bland sex that they feel is “normal”; often this is sex modeled on film and television depictions. Before you end up naked in bed, moaning with half-faked pleasure, you should take some time to tell your future partner what you like, what you don’t like, and what you’d like to try. From a personal example, I’ve got sensitive nipples and I don’t…like…them…touched. Ever. Makes me twitch and ruins my enjoyment when having sex, but if I never tell my partner that in advance I’m not being fair to them. It is only kind to tell your partner beforehand if something is a mood killer and it will make for better sex for both of you.

So talk to your future partner. Have an honest balls and breasts dialogue. You’ll find it educational and possibly even a turn-on. One final word of advice before I leave you: if you tell your partner something you really don’t like and they do it anyway, that might be a sign you need to find a new partner. Respecting the desires of your partner in bed is often a reflection of the respect they have for you as a person. If they don’t respect you when you are at your most intimate what are they going to be like in everyday life?