Talk Hard!

by Ed

{This week has involved a series of topics that came up when I asked people what advice they’d been given that turned out to be completely wrong. One person responded with “The skimpier the outfit, the sexier.” Ed had already written a post on that topic, so here it is!}

I’m an old fogey at heart, well at heart and in age as well, and it amazes me to see the extent to which people are willing to go today to advertise that they are sexy. Both men and women, everything from skirts too tight to move in to shirts that show off the man fuzz, people are always trying to advertise their sexual potency. On the one hand it makes perfect sense, we are all trying to land a partner and it feels good to walk around and think “Damn I’m sexy” but there is a fine line between “Damn I’m sexy” and “Hot damn I’m desperate.” Crossing that line is sadly far too easy, especially today with the growing emphasis on sexual displays in dress and attitude at younger ages.

Don’t get me wrong, back when I was in high school girls wore tight fitting clothes to catch guys’ eyes. Well, other guys’ eyes; I was a mega-geek so I just got to look and drool, but my point remains valid. Even back in the prehistoric early 1990s people dressed to attract the other sex, and even back then dress could easily send the wrong message. Part of what makes for a really sexy presentation is the hint of sexuality, the underlying promise of sexuality, without actually showing off all the goods at once. Letting other people know you are attractive with clothes that fit your body well and show it in a good light: excellent plan of attack. Wearing clothes that if they slipped a quarter of an inch would land you in jail for indecency, well that just makes you seem desperate.

Try this out sometime: get a DVD of an old black and white film, preferably something with Humphrey Bogart in it, just pop it in and watch. Bogart has the distinction of being probably one of the sexiest men in history when he wanted to be and he did so in a subtle manner; his eyes conveyed passion and raw sensuality without being over the top. That is the kind of smoky, mysterious sexual power you should aim for when attempting to attract someone; the sensual, the offer of possibilities, not the all-you-can-eat-buffet in advance. One of the dying arts today is real flirting. Real flirting is a way of making someone else feel attractive without pressuring them into feeling they have to repay the debt in kind; real flirting is the art of saying “You’re yummy” without a chaser of “Can I hump your thigh?”

Always remember you are someone and, because of that, you have value. Buy clothing that compliments your body, no matter what shape it is in; being sexy starts with looking as good as you are, not as you wish to be. Carry yourself knowing that you are sexy, catch someone’s eye and give a small smile. Show off your awesome sexy side without over selling it. If they are really interested they will come over and try to catch your interest. If not, at least you get a moment of knowing that you caught their attention. If you do it right, you’ll leave a smoking impression no matter where you go, no matter what the time.

By Ed

{This week the round of guest posters returns to Ed! I have posted before about how sex can change the dynamics of a romantic relationship. Here Ed talks about how it can affect a friendship.} 

People like being around other people and most people at some point in their life get either lonely or just itchy for physical contact with another person; from what I’ve read it’s kind of hard-wired into our brains.  During times like this, especially if you’re single, a good friend of the opposite gender can start looking very tempting as a potential lover.  You already know the person, they’ve seen you vulnerable and strong, at your best and worst, you might have known them for years and have a good handle on their personality.  Besides if said friend has been a friend for years they might have slowly gone from just “person of the opposite gender who is a friend” to “hottie who is a friend.”  I’m not going to say that such a hook-up is impossible or even wrong. Many people go down the “friends with benefits” route and have a decent-to-good time; but you need to be cautious when starting down this road and honest in what you want.

The trick is that a friendship prior to sex and a friendship after sex are going to be different creatures no matter how you plan things in advance.  Psychologically the role that your friend plays in your life will change if you get intimate with them; it becomes part of the friendship and will stay with you in that friendship for life.  Even more than when dating someone new you should take a moment and talk with your friend in advance, figure out their feelings on the matter and your feelings, and ask yourself some basic questions.  Are you ready for the possibility you might want a romantic relationship post sex with your friend and they might not, or vice-versa.  What happens if you and your friend start having regular sex and one of you then starts a new relationship, will your changed friendship still work with sex added and then removed?  Just some thoughts you should consider before putting sex into the mix of friendship.

Sex with a friend, for the richer friendship or the physical contact, can be pleasant and should not be dismissed just because it’s unconventional.  But like any new relationship take it easy, talk first, and remember things change when sex enters the equation, no matter how much you might think it won’t.

By Mrissa

{Meet Mrissa, whom I met through friends who read and write science fiction and fantasy and go to conventions about it, like Minicon in Minneapolis. Mrissa originally posted these thoughts in a series of posts on her livejournal and I asked her to rewrite them together for this blog.}

At Minicon I was on a panel called “Geek, Be Not Ashamed”. Afterwards I posted about how a teenager was sitting in the back of the room during the panel, and I worried that the panel was not what she needed to hear, being from an adult perspective, for adults. If you’re going through a really awful high school, the things that will help you later in your life are not the things that will help you in high school; polite and slightly reticent dignity gets you absolutely nowhere in a bad high school. (On the other hand, maintaining a polite and slightly reticent dignity with people who dislike you can be its own reward.)

Someone was asking, in the comments to my post, what I’d recommend to someone going through a bad high school experience. What would help with that situation? It’s a good question. It’s one I’ve been thinking about. And I participated in Career Day at a local high school, so it’s got me thinking about that. And sure, like the man says, escape is a prisoner’s first duty — but nobody screws up high school so badly that they’re still a sophomore at 47. So there’s escape, but there’s also the consideration of how to do it so that you’ll be functional later. How to get free of it without chewing your leg off, so to speak. Not always easy.

Compliments were a major weapon at my high school. The barbed compliment, the sarcastic compliment, the compliment that turns on someone else present, the compliment that’s supposed to erase months or years of ill-treatment…and then the complimenter can turn to others and say, “I was just trying to be nice.” There was one girl at my high school — which was a pretty nasty one, although there were several salvageable experiences from it — who was clearly trying to be nice by her own standards. She wanted to be known as a nice person. She also wanted to be “popular,” in the high school sense of being in an in-crowd. And it did not occur to this kid that people would set the value of her attempted niceness much higher if she didn’t spend her time with some of the meanest people in the school. If the sort of people who would kick handicapped kids in their leg braces and make fun of the kids who could barely speak a sentence didn’t get a free pass from her on their behavior.

So I guess my first piece of advice for people trying to endure a toxic high school is to recognize that other people are having to live with the toxicity as well, and to be as kind as you can manage. Other people may not notice it. But it’ll be something you know about yourself. You don’t have to be indefinitely kind to people who are mean to you, but it might be useful to give people more than one chance; if they’re used to hearing, “Is that a good book?” with derisive snickers behind it, they may not be prepared to take it as a serious and congenial discussion question the first time around.

(This is not the same thing as being as nice as you can manage. Nice is a club you can give other people to beat you with. Nice conforms to local standards, particularly for girls. “Nice” may prevent you from taking a good swing at the guy who kicked the girl in her leg braces. “Kind,” on the other hand, may well tell you to go for it; sticking up for others can be very kind and well-remembered years later.)

When we as adults give advice to high school kids who are having a bad time at school, I think one of the ways it most easily goes wrong is that we make it sound like they ought to be able to do what we’re suggesting, rather than making it clear that it might be useful to them if they could. The phrase I’m thinking of here is, “Don’t let them bother you.” Also, “Don’t let them get to you,” or, “What do you care what they think?”

Of course it’s useful if you can simply not care whether people around you are being hostile and nasty. But really, how many of us as adults can, by sheer force of will, make it totally not matter that we’re spending forty hours a week with people who are willing to be as unpleasant as they can get away with? Not many. Not many of us as adults have to put up with that sort of thing. I have a friend who recently left a bad job, a situation in which people were relentlessly hostile to her and to each other for her entire work day, five days a week. It was extremely hard on her, not because she wanted to be cool or wanted them to be her best friends evAR!!!11!!1!, but because she is a human being, and that kind of toxic environment is hard on anyone.

I think we should be careful to make it clear to teenagers who are having a bad time at school that we’re not saying, “You should be able to do this; everyone can do this,” but rather, “Look, we’re focusing on you because you can’t control the other person. We know this is hard for most people, but it’s the best we can think of right now.”

And you can’t control the other people in your class. You really, really can’t. So fixating on “making them see” or “showing them” or “making them feel [whatever],” is not useful. The win condition is not that your high school classmates flock around you telling you how much they respected the theorem you just proved or the book you just wrote or the marketing decision you just made or the way you just handled your kid’s tantrum. The win condition is that you can only remember the names of the ones who were kind and/or interesting to you. The win condition is that when you get news of something terrible happening to someone who smeared Ben Gay all over your friend’s locker or pushed another friend down the stairs or any of the other lovely things that happened in high school, you are not glad. Because you’re not just a bigger and better person than that, you’re so much bigger and better and have moved on with your life so far that you had to stop and think why that name sounded familiar. That’s what winning looks like.

So how do you move towards that win condition while you’re still in high school? I don’t know entirely; anyone with suggestions should feel totally welcome in the comments section. But I will note that the people I know who got through high school the happiest, healthiest people — even if it was a good high school — were mostly the ones who had other things outside school with which they strongly identified themselves. For a lot of them it was something computer-related, but that’s probably a major skew because of the type of people I know.

For me there was writing, and there was my piano, and both of those things were ways in which I could challenge myself and do interesting things that had nothing to do with school. I also had a bunch of pen-pals, which would probably translate to something internettish these days, but the point is, there were people who knew me and liked me and didn’t care what so-and-so said to me in gym because they would only find out what so-and-so said if I could make it an entertaining story to tell them, or if I needed to vent.

We stick kids in this environment and make it their major point of identity, which is disorienting enough at the end if the kids involved are in a good high school. When it’s a bad one, we’re strongly encouraging them to define themselves through something that makes them miserable. This is not healthy. It’s not okay. And even something as simple as, “I’m someone who likes to go fishing with my cousins in the summer,” or, “I’m someone who grows cucumbers,” is a better way to identify oneself than, “I’m the verbal punching bag for Mrs. X’s third period.”

By the time you’re in high school, having parents “put you in” a karate class or an archery class or a pastry-cookery class is not a good thing; if it’s not what you’ve chosen, it’s more of being shuffled around at other people’s whim, which is not something you’re exactly short on in high school. But sitting down and thinking to yourself, “What would be interesting to me apart from graduation requirements and college applications and dodging the jerks at school? What do I want to be able to do?” might be a good start. Everyone has to build a life that’s irrelevant of the structures of high school eventually. Everyone has to find an identity that doesn’t involve where your locker is or who you sit with in the cafeteria. No reason not to start as soon as you can.

by Sarah

{Sorry I haven’t been posting for a couple of days. Comment! It will encourage me to keep doing this. In the meantime, it’s Wednesday, which means we have a Guest Post! Yay! Our new Guest Blogger this week is Sarah, with lots of good pointers about how to stay safe without letting condoms get in the way of good sex.}

It’s not uncommon for two people in a relationship to disagree about using condoms. Typically, it’s expected that the guy will be the one who doesn’t want to use a condom because it cuts down on sensation for him, but women sometimes object to using them as well. For instance, a guy’s girlfriend might think condoms are unnecessary because she’s on The Pill, and besides, it interrupts the flow of things when you have to stop, get out a condom, open the package, unroll it, and get it on properly.

But if you’re strongly dedicated to using condoms consistently, there are ways to talk to your partner about this and work around those objections. Here are some ideas.

Objection One: Condoms cut down on sensation

Answer: True, but they also protect against STDs and pregnancy. Also, cutting down on sensation isn’t always a bad thing, because it can make a guy last longer. If you find that condoms don’t let you feel anything, try experimenting with different kinds. Just because a condom is one marketed as thinner doesn’t necessarily mean that it is more likely to break. Consumer Reports magazine rates condoms on reliability and other factors, and a few “thin” condoms are usually in the top 5. Other tips to make condom use more pleasurable include using a drop of lube in the tip and making sure not to skip the foreplay. Don’t forget that many guys need just as much foreplay as their girls do, and this can make the overall experience more pleasurable even if condom use cuts down on sensation a little for him.

Objection Two: We don’t need condoms because she’s on birth control

Answer: That may be true, but hormonal birth control doesn’t protect against STDs. Many people have an STD without knowing it, because often the symptoms are subtle or even non-existent. Also, if you really and truly need to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant, having a second method is helpful. There is a small failure rate with the pill, and the failure rate increases the less careful you are about taking it at exactly the same time every day. Having a second method increases the security you can feel about having sex without unintended pregnancy as a result.

Objection Three: He loses his erection whenever he puts a condom on

Answer: That’s not uncommon, but this gets better with practice. Having good sex and learning to use condoms take practice, just like any other skill. The main reason a guy might lose his erection when he puts on a condom is nervousness. There’s some pressure on the guy not to “spoil the moment” and to quickly get the condom out of the package, unrolled, and put on properly. It’s easy to become nervous when you fumble one of the steps. The two best things a girl can do are to stay patient and to offer help if he’s willing. If the girl tries unwrapping and unrolling a condom a few times and sees that it’s not as easy as it looks, she will understand better why she should be patient with him the next time putting on the condom takes a little longer than expected. If you make this process a team effort, you can learn to get the condom on quickly and with little effort. This can help with another objection that sometimes is raised, that condoms interfere with the flow of sex and make it less spontaneous. If a guy is dealing alone with a condom, this can be true. If she keeps kissing and fondling him and offers to open the package or help unroll the condom for him, this becomes a team effort, and you can get the condom on in less than 30 seconds- hardly a huge interruption. And, so what if he loses his erection? It’s best to stay cool, have fun in other ways, and try again next time. You’ll get the hang of it if you keep trying.

Objection Four: Condoms are expensive

Answer: Buying condoms is less expensive than having a baby, so if that’s a consideration, you’re better off investing in condoms. You can often get a small amount of condoms for free from places like Planned Parenthood or other community health clinics, HIV resource centers, and college health centers. Plus, you can buy in bulk, either in a store or online from places like Condom Depot. You should check the expiration date on your condoms, but they’re usually a few years out, so buying in lots of 50 or more is usually a money-saver if you are having sex once a week or more. You can also split a bulk order with friends.

by Ed

{For a lighter note in this week’s theme of not letting someone pressure you into sex, here’s Ed talking about something he has a much better perspective on than I do.}

It’s a classic line but one many people of all ages still hear: “If we stop now I’ll have blue balls and it will hurt.” First off let me say, for the record, I have personally had blue balls. Most guys at some point in life are going to deal with this condition, and it’s not the end of the world. “Blue balls” is caused by a combination of over-sensitivity in a male’s genitals coupled with increased blood flow into the region: the two factors combined can lead to a man’s feeling a dull ache in his privates. The problem is that many guys feel that the only solution to this problem, or the best solution, is to ejaculate. This is an accurate assessment of the situation. However, the optimal solution for the guy (ejaculating) does not translate into their partner’s having to help them achieve that solution.

Having had blue balls myself on more the one occasion let me tell you from personal experience, masturbating takes care of the problem quite neatly. If you are being intimate with a fellow and you decide to stop, and he responds with a whiney complaint about blue balls and being in pain, don’t let that factor into your choice to continue. If you want to have further sexual play with the fellow complaining of aches in his loins, do so, but his complaining should not factor into that decision. If you don’t want to continue to play around with the complaining fellow, send him on his way with the suggestion that he masturbate when he feels comfortable. For the truly whining fellow pop an ice pack onto his painful member; ice constricts blood flow into the genitals and numbs the tissue. Trust me: an ice pack on an engorged set of male genitals halts most blue balls problems.

But on a broader note any partner who would use complaints of physical pain to push for further sexual contact is a partner you might want to be cautious about anyways. A good partner respects your decisions about intimacy and does not try to weasel more sex out of someone they care about, even if they are hot to trot at that moment. Asking and teasing are part of the fun in any good relationship but weaseling and using guilt to get sex really should not be. If you are with someone and they keep using blue balls as an excuse to try to get you to do more then you are comfortable with, you might want to re-evaluate them as a partner.

That or stock up on a really big pile of ice packs.

Today is Talk Hard!’s first guest blogger day! Meet Ed. Ed’s got lots to say about many topics, just like I do, so we’ll hopefully have posts from him on a regular basis. So without further ado, here is post #1.

by Ed

Sex can be one of the most wonderful experiences you can share with another human being but it can also be one of the most awkward and embarrassing moments as well. The most critical step to having enjoyable sex with a new partner is to take some time and have an honest conversation with them first, an honest sex conversation. Which reminds me of one of my key little rules in life: if you do not feel comfortable enough to talk about sex with your partner-to-be, you might want to rethink having sex with them. This person is about to know you pretty much as intimately as another person can—if you can’t say “penis” or “vagina” to them with a straight face how will you ever explain your secret fantasy of sex on a beach while dressed as Spiderman?

Not that I have that fantasy or a Spiderman costume in my closet waiting for the right woman, I’m just using an example. Stop laughing, it’s normal!

Which brings me to my second reason for having an honest sex conversation. A lot of people, when they have sex with a new partner, “settle”: they try to have bland sex that they feel is “normal”; often this is sex modeled on film and television depictions. Before you end up naked in bed, moaning with half-faked pleasure, you should take some time to tell your future partner what you like, what you don’t like, and what you’d like to try. From a personal example, I’ve got sensitive nipples and I don’t…like…them…touched. Ever. Makes me twitch and ruins my enjoyment when having sex, but if I never tell my partner that in advance I’m not being fair to them. It is only kind to tell your partner beforehand if something is a mood killer and it will make for better sex for both of you.

So talk to your future partner. Have an honest balls and breasts dialogue. You’ll find it educational and possibly even a turn-on. One final word of advice before I leave you: if you tell your partner something you really don’t like and they do it anyway, that might be a sign you need to find a new partner. Respecting the desires of your partner in bed is often a reflection of the respect they have for you as a person. If they don’t respect you when you are at your most intimate what are they going to be like in everyday life?